Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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