I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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