i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
