I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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