Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
