So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
