She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
