Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
