I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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