she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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