Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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