right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So here I am, sexting at work.
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