ADVERTISEMENT

• (952): View more from Minnesota

  I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I didnt dude, i swear!

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

  Fav 19 3057 7018

  share tweet
  

• (651): View more from Minnesota

  How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

  Fav 22 5428 1937

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (631): View more from New York

  i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

  Fav 9 3336 1068

  share tweet
  

• (313): View more from Michigan

  Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill

  Fav 8 3000 1370

  share tweet
  

• (616): View more from Michigan

  He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.

  Fav 4 755 1517

  share tweet
  

• (206): View more from Washington

  after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.

  Fav 5 657 867

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys

  Fav 4 944 469

  share tweet
  

• (307): View more from Wyoming

  Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.

  Fav 0 496 336

  share tweet
  

• (541): View more from Oregon

  Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.

  Fav 0 425 502

  share tweet
  

• (646): View more from New York

  Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now

  (646): View more from New York

  Goodbee

  Fav 4 275 168

  share tweet
  

• (551): View more from New Jersey

  does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?

  Fav 0 81 36

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (330): View more from Ohio

  Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you

  Fav 0 57 44

  share tweet
  

• (240): View more from Maryland

  The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.

  Fav 1 77 17

  share tweet
  

• (502): View more from Kentucky

  I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.

  Fav 0 79 15

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (801): View more from Utah

  Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock

  Fav 0 41 53

  share tweet
  

Randomize