you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
