I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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