You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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