Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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