I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
