Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
