I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
