Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
