I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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