Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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