I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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