god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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