He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
