I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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