Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
