we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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