ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
