When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
