I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I had to cum in my sink.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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