hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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