Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
