just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
