well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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