Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
