apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
