I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize