I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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