I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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