I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
