Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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