I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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