i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
