I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
a search helicopter?!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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