It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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