Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
