perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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