I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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