So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
