Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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