just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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