My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
