one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
