I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
